Someone is always watching!

Hi Y’all,

Sorry I have been so out of touch lately but I have been working on my book lately. But now that it is snuggly in the hands of my editor and the nightmare is all hers I have more time to post. So here is my rant for today.

The letter for today here on Seaseme Street is the letter S. And my husband used it very well. This morning after breakfast I asked him his plans for the day and he told me his plans were to:

1. shit

2. shower

3. shave

4. sex

This was his only list and the only things he intended to do today. He validated his list by claiming this was, after all, the weekend and his time to rest and relax. I thought his logic was very reasonable so I approved his list. He is free to enjoy his activities on his list all he wants, the only proviso is he cannot leave the house without me. So item number four will be a solo activity or he will need my assistance in which there will be some begging involved. That is half the fun of weekend sex. He had more time for planning and  pleading. I must say our weekend are full around here with all that going on so remember it is more fun to pick a daily letter out for your husband to make his weekend to-do list by. The challenge is trying to make you happy with his list. Play the game right and he may be rewarded with another S word…Satisfaction!

Good Luck

Dear Carole Anne

 My husband and I recently had a set of twins and my babies are the most beautiful two girls in the world. I watch TLC all the time and I have seen how well Jon & Kate have done putting their children on television. I also love the show about the little beauty contests. I hope to enter my girls in beauty contest some day too. Do you think this could do my girls any damage if we try to persue a career for them?

Signed

An Enamored Mother

 Dear Enamored Mother

I can see why any mother would want to show off her her much loved children. We all have done it. However, when it comes to selling them out and putting them on display that is another thing entirely. If you watch Tori & Dean Home Sweet Hollywood, though she does have her children on TV she severely limits their exposure. Jon & Kate created an entire show around their children until their train wreck marriage took it over. As for TLC’s Toddler’s & Tiaras is a nice idea but have you seen some of these families? The entire family’s existence is centered around the pageant and the child’s performance. Any other children began to feel left out and second best. Hardly worth it really in my opinion. If you have twins which would you root for? What if one wins and one does not? How would you handle the sibling riverly? I say keep your children normal and away from lights and a camera crew. Look what it did to the Gosselins, that one twin is the biggest brat I have ever seen! Her parents are divorced now and cheated like crazy before the end came and the sextuplets look as if they are shell-shocked! This is one family that will get more press for bad behavior in a few years then the Lohans! If your baby girls are as beautiful as you say, and I have no doubt that they are, let them grown up in a normal childhood and they can always go into TV and beauty contest when they are older if they choose. This way you will save a fortune in therapy bills and bail money.

Holy Crap! I just read where the Duggar family is happy to announce they are having their 19th child. 19th child!!!!! WTF??? First there was Kate plus 8, then Ocotomom and her 14, now the Duggars are way ahead with 19. Is there a contest I haven’t heard of? Let me tell you, I had one child and it damn near killed me, so how can this woman have 19 and be happy to announce it. Frankly, if it were me, I would have stopped it around child number two. How? Loreena Bobbit him! I may have been brought up on legal charges of preforming a medical procedure without a license but there would not have been a child 3-19. Can you just imagine the logistical nightmare of caring for that many children? I know she says the older kids help with the younger ones, but in that case you are not raising them the other kids are and life in the Duggar house must be more like a commune than a family. If I were the older kids in the family I would be pissed that MOM keeps having babies that we have to raise them for her. Cooking and cleaning for that troop would have to make you feel like you have been conscripted.

How much time in a mother’s day can she devote to giving love and attention to 19 children? Not much. So needless to say the odds one of them will grow up to be the next Jeffrey Dahmer are pretty high (he claimed he didn’t get any love as a child either). You just know one of those kids will go crazy and kill someone for having to grow up in that army.

Of course, on the other hand, the parents have a good shot one of the kids will take them in a care for them in their old age. They have a 19 shots at it, whereas most of us only have one or two at best. Screw that one shot up and we are nursing home bound. But the Duggars can keep moving on down the line until one takes them in. Pretty good odds they will not be nursing home bound.

Last year I forgot my anniversary date. Can you imagine remembering all the dates 19 children will generate? It begins with their birthdays and continues with anniversaries, grandchildren’s birthdays, etc.  No way would  I would be able to keep up. Ms. Duggars only hope will be to fake short term memory loss. But that’s the price for having so many children.

This reminds me of the Groucho Marx Show and the man being interviewed said he had seven children. When Groucho asked how he accounted for having so many children the man replied “I love my wife.” To which Groucho remarked, “I love my cigar too but I take it out once in awhile!”

There is one thing I have learned over the last few weeks. Literary agents think they are GOD! They will not take submissions (queries) even though their web pages say they do. When you submit a query letter to them you get an automatic rejection letter with in hours, even minutes, saying they are not interested when you know in fact they never even read the bloody submission. That’s what pisses me off. Turn me down on my own merit but not before you even read one word. But I ask, where would these parasites be without the very artists they reject so quickly? Nowhere! It is the writers that pay their bills so why can’t they treat us with a little more respect than they do? Sure some of us are new and have no track record to speak of but is that a reason the slam doors in our faces without so much as a howdy do? I don’t think so. The agents are much ruder than the publishers. Just query the publishing houses direct and you will get a warmer reception.

It’s a catch twenty-two, you can’t get into the larger publishing houses without an agent but can’t get an agent without a published book. Make any sense? Hell, no! But there you have it. The Good Old Boy System is alive and well in the publishing field. It’s all in who ya know and all in who ya blow! And since I’m not doing either it means I am stuck in the slush pile gathering enough rejection letters and emails to redo the office walls. 

So take it from a battled seasoned writer, forget about the agent for now. Just contact the smaller publishing houses directly and you will have more luck. Then after maybe you have sold something the agents will come running after you. I just hope that, like me, you have kept a list of the jerks who have shut you down before you could open your mouth to get a word in edgewise about your book, so when they come calling you will have the satisfaction of hanging up giving them the same time of day they gave you (and me!).

Besides, they’re too bossy! I want to do it my way and I don’t need some “those who can’t do teach” telling me how to do my job as they take money off the top.

That is my rant for the day!

Oh good lord, this just keeps getting better and better! Seems the Queen of White Trash, Kate Gosselin showed up at the house in PA late last night and started some shit with Jon. But it is Jon’s turn with the kids and his turn to be there so somehow the cops got called out. This was after midnight. The yelling and screaming was disturbing the neighbors….think of what that must have been doing to the children right in the same house! Seems when the police left Kate left too and checked into a local Days Inn.

Kate, if you wanted to give Jon the kids just hand them over without all this trauma to the children. Showing up on the doorsteps of the home when it’s his turn and making a screaming scene, forcing the cops to be called out is no way to behave as a fit parent. This will not help your case. What was so important that you had to show up and upset the entire household with your low-class tantrum? You are not even considering the effects this may be having on the children and how having the police called out to their home in the middle of the night due to their parents arguing could leave long lasting emotional scars. But the Queen of Mean didn’t even consider her own children’s emotional needs against her little tantrums. Kate, that is what lawyers are for; to settle your petty grievances.  A judge will not look kindly on this. This outburst of yours only shows the world that your priority is yourself and not your children.

Yes, Jon has looked a little foolish and clumsy lately as he tries to get back into the dating scene. But he did not bring it into the home of the children. Kate, however, broke up her own marriage and her lover, bodyguard, Steve, Neild’s marriage as well. His wife has reportedly left their home several months ago and Kate bought her condo across the street from his office in Maryland. For shame, Kate! What of mother are you? Obviously one that does not respect the sanctity of marriage. But at least give the children some peace of mind when it is their father’s turn to be with them. We have all seen the pictures and out-takes of you yelling, threatening, and whipping your children in private and in public. A warm and fuzzy mom you ain’t! So at least give them a break from your tyranny while they are with their father. We have never seen photos of him yanking them around and whipping them. These kids have been used for your fame and not allowed to just be kids. Now that you are famous infamous just stay in Maryland and keep your mouth shut while Jon visits with his children.

At least that’s my view point!

*Thanks to TMZ for the Photo! 

OMG….this dumb Hollywood Bitch is at it again! This time she had sent an RSVP to her daughter Tori for her granddaughter Stella’s first birthday party. Then at the last minute she emailed and cancelled saying she didn’t want to be used for the season finale ratings for Tori’s show. To add a cherry on top of her shit cake she is holding press conferences saying that she did not want to be a prop in Tori’s reality show but in another breath she said if the premise was right she would consider doing her own reality show. Hypocrite!

This is the same woman who has never even met her own granddaughter. Hello!!! I would have been there even it  meant I would have to be on the jumbo-trans at Shea Stadium! Anything for my grandchildren. There are millions of grandparents out there who are handed down conditions every day in order to see their grandchildren and they stick to them. Why? They want to see the babies. It’s about the grandchildren. Not about you or your daughter. It’s about the grandchildren! They are they innocent ones here. You and Tori are using them like emotional pawns. Any grandmother who lives in the same city as her grandchildren and has not met them…something is seriously wrong here. Candy Spelling must have a serious character flaw in order to ignore her own flesh and blood this way regardless the circumstances. A grandparent plays a vital role in a child’s life and you are denying Tori’s children this love and support you are suppose to be there with. This is not about Tori. It is about you, Candy, and what is expected of the role of a grandparent in a child’s life. That bond can be so special and you are not living up to your end of the natural order of things.

Now try to explain how Tori is a spoiled brat and you will not play into her manipulations. Nobody buys your horseshit! You are the one accountable for your own role as a grandparent in the lives of these two lovely children, Liam & Stella. No one can take it from you, but only you can throw it away. What a stupid woman! Ever heard of throwing your own party for them? Every thought of inviting them over to your house for a party that you would like to have since you’re are so parsnickity about other people’s plans. I guess thinking of having a role in the grandkids lives that you can feel comfortable with and bringing them into your world isn’t an option. Millions of grandparents have the grandkids over to visit, why can’t you? I don’t see where you have room for arguement here. There are way too many grandparents all over the world who go to great lengths to be with the grandchildren and most would crawl over broken glass to get to them just for a few minutes visit.

Candy Spelling you give Grandmothers all over the world a bad name!

Kate Gosselin appeared on Today this morning where she naturally whipped out her trademark narrating skills to sell viewers a line of bullshit crafted by TLC publicists and her divorce attorney:

On if she still loves Jon:
“When I think back to the Jon that I knew, yes.”

On still wearing her wedding ring:
Gosselin broke down, brushing away tears with a tissue, when Vieira noted that she was still wearing her wedding ring. “Why?” Vieira asked. “For them,” Gosselin said with difficulty in reference to her eight children. “I don’t want to upset them.”

On feeling like a failure:
“I wake up and I do feel a lot of failure,” Gosselin replied. “This is not what any mother sets out for their children. It’s necessary. It has to take place. I think I’ve turned the focus on myself. I want my children to see a mother who’s committed to her children, who’s determined, who has integrity and perseverance and never gives up. Everything I’ve done for them is out of love.”

On the divorce:
“Clearly, we have totally different takes on what happened.” She said that the blame for the marriage’s failure should be shared by both herself and Jon. “Nobody’s perfect. I was not perfect. Obviously, it takes two,” she told Vieira. “I don’t know, to be honest, what would I go back and change. It’s hard to say.”

Kate also denies rumors that she had an affair with Steve Neild and accuses her brother and his wife of making “tens thousands of dollars” on the tabloid circuit “spreading lies” about the Gosselins. But probably the most disturbing item is that she reveals hers kids’ favorite show is — their own: Jon & Kate Plus 8. Wow. Really? No red flags there? “Hey, my five year old loves staring at himself on TV. In fact, the other day he fired a teamster then demanded we re-edit a scene because he had some lollipop in his hair. Ha ha. Kids.”

What Kate DID NOT tell America on The Today Show was that her new apartment in Rockville, Maryland is right across the street from the bodyguard, Steve Neild, she was rumored to be involved with’s office. Very conventient for him to walk across the street for a quickie! Also neighbors in his old ‘hood have reported that his wife has also moved out of the family home and has not been seen there in months. Seems Kate’s marriage is not the only marriage that went belly up recently. So while we are all busy laughing at Jon’s clumsy attempts to get back into the dating scene it appears his wife jumped the shark some time ago. Only this snake laid low in her actions and successfully made her transition from one man to another and breaking up two marriages in the process. As my grandmother used to say, it will all some out in the wash! You cannot hide dirty deeds in the dark forever, huh Kate!

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Daily Dirt - July 2009

Hated Kate Shows Her True Intent?

July 29th 2009 05:00

Candy & Tori Spelling

Candy Spelling accepted an invitation to attend her granddaughter, Stella’s first birthday party on Tori & Dean’s Home Sweet Hollywood season finale. But then at the last minute emailed her regrets in at the last minute claiming she did not want her first meeting with Stella to be on camera for Tori’s show. (Burn!)
First thing: How can you be a decent grandmother and not have met your grandchildren? That granddaughter is one year old for goodness sake! What has Candy been doing this year that was so frickin’ important she couldn’t squeeze in a few hours to go visit the children?
Second thing: Is it Tori’s issues you should be addressing in the letter to TMZ or your own? Seems some women are so vain they don’t like being grandmothers. The word Grandmother can make them feel really old, and face it Candy, you are extremely old. You called Tori middle-aged. What does that make you? Nothing but an old lady, I’m afraid I have to say this but your telling Tori off publicly only makes you look bad. Like you aren’t taking the aging thing well. Get over it.

Be a decent human being and go meet your grandchildren. Don’t let vanity or disputes with Tori stop you from being a part of their lives. You will never get these years back. You step up to the plate and do the right thing and stop your whining about Tori. You are the Matriarch of the family and it is your place to hold it all together. Stop being a Hollywood Bitch!

Candy’s Open Letter To Tori On TMZ
* Thanks to TMZ For The Photo!

Jessica Simpson & Tony Romo

Poor Jessica Simpson seems to have spent her birthday with her parents! Ewwww!!! At 29 you would at the very least think she would have some BFFs to take her out on the town to take her mind off her recent break-up with football hunk Tomy Romo. Word has it he was out partying on the night her b-day with a wholelotta friends, and not all male either!
The night of her b-day she Tweeted she was turning in early with her mom and dogs and hoped everyone in the world would find peace & happiness. (cough, cough!) I see some of the issue here. It’s has been widely rumored for several years that Jessica is way too attached to her parents apron strings for most of the men she’s been involved with. Jessica, girl, you are going to have to get a grip and kick the ‘rents to the curb! They have a place in you’re life and it is called visiting at holidays. The big ones not the little ones, like Flag day! No man wants to date your parents. I have seen women like this before, who can’t put their parents in the proper prospective, they are called OLD MAIDS!!!! Wise up Jessica before birthday number 30. After that your chances head south rapidly!